The Fault in Everyone's Stars...

A few weeks ago, my friend Audrey asked if I wanted to read the book The Fault in Our Stars. She said it’s a really great sad love story, kind of like the ones you see in tragic, beautiful Shoujou mangas. I thought, why not? That book is super popular apparently.

I just finished the novel on my current flight to Los Angeles. I’d have to say that I was slightly embarrassed for shedding tears on a plane with strangers sitting beside me. It’s humorous, it’s heart breaking, but most importantly, it somewhat changed my way of viewing things. 

 

Augustus Waters is a charming guy who used to be popular when he didn’t have his cancer. After realizing that his death is approaching, he gets angry with himself due to the fact that he isn’t able to do something that’d make him memorable on this earth. Hazel Grace, on the other hand, doesn’t care about leaving an impact or to impress others. She lives her life ordinarily and she's fine with it.

That got me thinking, because I am definitely the Augustus kind of person. I suddenly realized that for too long, I’ve always tried to be different, to leave an impact, to be recognized or remembered by others. Applauses reassure me, compliments delight me, possibly to the degree that I desire them too much. I try to excel in everything I love to do, and I wish others would notice and love me more for my talents and hard-work. I’ve begun to wonder, am I really doing those stuff for myself, or I’m just doing them for others?

Taking a little crush as an example. I suck at flirting or whatever you do to get a boyfriend. Opening up to a person and be comfortable with just who I am is extremely hard for me. Instead, I do art, play music and dance to show that “I’m well-rounded, I’m special enough for you”. I have no clue why I used to think that would work. Now thinking about it, I probably still don’t even know what romantic love is. I used to do this: on special occasions, I would give my crush a hand-made card that I spent ages drawing. I hoped he would be so touched that he would fall for me all of the sudden. I think I’ve learned my lesson that this method doesn’t work.

Why did I spend so much effort on those cards? What made me think that my effort would leave a mark on them? Even if I really did leave a mark, how long would it last? People forget, people move on, I should’ve known better. A moment of emotion or joy is only ephemeral.

From a recent..."change in emotions", I finally learned that the card method doesn’t work. To be impressed doesn’t mean to feel or to love. I figured that I’ve put too much pressure on myself to impress other people. It’s time to take a break; it’s time to live more like Hazel Grace. Do what I’ve got to do and focus more on myself – maybe this way, what’s meant to happen will happen, regardless of life, love or whatnot.

Of course, The Fault in Our Stars is a wonderful novel. I loved the characters, I loved the message John Green wants to convey, and I loved Audrey for recommending it to me. I can’t wait to cry my eyes out when the movie starts playing.